YOU’RE AN AWESOME BROTHER AND IT’S NOT OK TO PUT YOUR SISTER IN THE OVEN!
There is a difference between our actions and our worth. We all need to feel worthy and our culture says that it’s only our actions that make us worthy; that acceptable behavior creates ACCEPTABLENESS AND LOVABLENESS.
Children learn what behaviors are “good” and “bad” by what parents like and don’t like.
SIMULTANEOUSLY, the developing brain of a child is forming an answer to the question “Am I OK?” “Am I AWESOME?”
How incredibly fucking awesome did you learn that you are?
Our task as parents is to teach kids what behaviors are good and what behaviors are bad while simultaneously, constantly AFFIRMING THEIR WORTH!
DID YOU HEAR THAT?! IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB! TEACH YOUR KIDS HOW FUCKING AWESOME THEY ARE!
“You are so wonderful and whining is not how you get what you want.”
“Great Job making eye contact with me, I love you and you are a TERRIBLE LIAR!”
“You are such a sweetheart and I’d prefer it if you didn’t burp at the table.”
See how that works – address the worth, address the behavior. Address them both SEPARATELY and AT THE SAME TIME.
“You are awesome and it’s not OK to insult your brother.”
“You are wonderful kids and it’s not OK to play with daddy’s keys.”
Are you getting the format? Address the Worth then Address the Behavior!
Got it?
WORDS ARE IMPORTANT AND VERY NECESSARY – BUT WORDS ARE NOT ENOUGH!
We have to affirm children’s worth not only in the words we choose, but in our whole demeanor. To teach kids that they are acceptable, we have to accept them, even when they draw on the kitchen table with magic markers!
In order to accept kids we have to accept ourselves. We cannot teach kids that they are wonderful if we do not know our own wonderfulness.
If you can’t accept that there is a part of you that makes messes, then you won’t be able to accept your kids when they make messes, too.
As parents we all get tired and frustrated; we all worry for the safety of our kids and we all get triggered by their behavior at times. It’s OK, we don’t have to be perfect parents. If you do a really good job 80% of the time, your kids turn out great.
When my kids were 7 and 5 years old, my 7year old son shoved my 5 year old daughter from behind after she had wrestled a piece of bubble wrap away from him. When he pushed her, she fell down almost hitting her head on the corner of a wall. I instantly got mad. I saw that she was not hurt at all and I still got mad.
When he saw the look on my face he started profusely apologizing to his sister (he really is a sweet kid).
I picked him up and put him on the couch and angrily asked, “How many times have I told you not to push your sister?”
He started tearing up and said, “I don’t know” while trying to wipe his tears away before they could fall. I realized that I had NOT responded lovingly or kindly and I took a breath.
I calmed my voice and said, “You are a great brother and a great kid, and it is not ok to push your sister like that.” I apologized to him for getting mad and said, “When daddy gets mad it feels like you are a really bad kid, doesn’t it?”
He exploded in tears! “Yes. I am sorry daddy.”
I felt like such a jerk.
I hated that I had gotten so mad, and I hated that he was hurting because he felt like he had disappointed me.
I hugged him, held him while he cried, apologized again, told him how awesome he really is, told him how much I love him, and told him that he is still awesome even when daddy gets mad.
I wish I had said, “Dude, I love that you guys play SO well together and it is not OK to shove your sister. You’re an awesome kid and you still have to go to your room for pushing your sister.”
DO YOUR KIDS KNOW HOW AWESOME THEY ARE? DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME YOU ARE?
We all can present a laundry list of things that we wish we had not done. Often we believe those things are evidence that we are not wonderful, worthwhile, and incredibly fucking awesome people.
We assume that because we have done “bad” things that we wish we hadn’t done or didn’t do things that we feel like we should have done, our worth is diminished. This is simply not true.
Our worth is not dependent on our behavior.
One thing that is true is that whether we believe we are worthy or we believe that we are not worthy, we will create that impression in the circumstances of our lives.
If you aren’t totally in love with yourself, ya need to make a time to talk with me. You need to know the truth about who you are and what you are worth!
YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT FEELS AWESOME AND WHAT FEELS BAD.
When you are not feeling good about you. You need to know how to identify the story you are telling yourself.
You need to learn to tell a different story that feels good!
You need to create some good feeling momentum instead of feeling bad about you!
If you struggle with this, send me a Private message.
Be REAL. Be RAW. Make Your Life AWESOME!