SHE BEAT HERSELF UP MERCILESSLY FOR HIS AFFAIR
“I am sorry I wasn’t pretty enough, and you needed to cheat.”
“I am sorry I wasn’t sexy enough, and you found others.”
“I am sorry I wasn’t sexual enough, and you needed to cheat.”
“I am sorry I wasn’t a good enough wife, and you needed to cheat.”
“I am sorry I wasn’t a good enough lover, and you needed to cheat.”
“I am sorry I wasn’t a good enough wife and you had to cheat.”
“I am sorry I have been so insecure about my body, and you needed to feel a woman’s excitement.”
“I am sorry I can’t shut off my brain and enjoy it when we have sex. I feel like I failed you.”
Of course she wasn’t responsible for his affairs, but all this was going on inside of her anyway.
He didn’t blame her for his affairs.
Her insecurities led her to blame herself.
Not being able to sit with the discomfort of her insecurities, she blamed.
But she didn’t stop at blame or shy away from the pain.
(While she was saying these things, he felt like he was going to die – he was blaming himself for all her pain.)
He tried to stop her from saying all these things, I told him, “she had all these hurts and insecurities before you guys even met.”
She followed with, “Sweetie, all this stuff is what led to us being so disconnected. We need to heal this. I need to heal this. I love you and we are going to be right back in the same place if we don’t do this.”
HERE IS WHERE SHE STEPPED UP AND DID THE WORK!
She was committed to NOT playing the part of the victim.
Only victims BLAME, COMPLAIN, and JUSTIFY.
She was committed to taking responsibility for her part in creating the whole situation, WITHOUT ABSOLVING HIM OF HIS RESPONSIBILITY.
She was committed to taking 100% responsibility for her part.
His affairs had sparked the desire to grow within her. She realized this was a wake-up call!
It would have been easy for her to hide behind the usual victim lines:
“He’s a cheating bastard.”
“I can’t trust him.”
“I hope you have fun with your whores.”
“I can’t trust him because he betrayed me.”
“How could you do this to me?”
She said, “It would be so easy to just hate you and walk away. But that would be taking the easy way out.”
She added, “I’m so sick of seeing women who hide behind blaming men to justify walking away from a situation THEY created by not taking care of themselves in the first place.”
I was floored! I couldn’t have said it better myself!
We talked about the fact that whether or not they stayed together, they would be better off if they both healed their shit that led to the situation in the first place.
She knew that blaming him would just be SCAPEGOATING him to avoid her deeper pain and also absolve herself of her guilt for not doing what scared her the most . . . FACING HER OWN INSECURITIES!
She knew that facing her own insecurities would grow her into a strong enough woman that she could EASILY HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE for all the shit he had done wrong and that she could do it from a place of CONFIDENCE and POWER – NOT FROM A PLACE OF BEING BITCHY, WHINY, NAGGING, or PITIFUL.
She wanted to EMPOWER HERSELF and from that power place EMPOWER HIM TO BE THE MAN SHE KNEW HE COULD BE.
They both acknowledged that it would have been better if they had talked openly before it ever got to this point.
And of course they both wished that he hadn’t had sex without telling her.
BUT NEITHER OF THEM HAD KNOWN WHAT TO DO!
They both felt had felt like they were DYING INSIDE for years and didn’t know what to do.
For years, at night, she would be longing for sexual connection, masturbating to porn in the bedroom with a toy – he was longing for her and masturbating to porn in the living room. THEY NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT.
She acknowledged that when they did have sex, she was checked out, cold, and felt like she couldn’t even enjoy it because she couldn’t shut off her brain.
She said, “I know you tried to talk about it. I know how much you love me. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t even find the words. I know you felt like I didn’t want you and didn’t like sex with you. I’m sorry.”
Me: “But really you just didn’t believe there was any way that he could enjoy sex with you, right?”
She agreed. Then said to me, as if to try and convince me, “I wanted to, I really did. I mean look at him, he’s gorgeous, sexy, funny, brilliant, and he’s a really generous lover – better than anyone I ever met. (He burst into tears on that one.)
He had spent years feeling like she just didn’t like him very much and almost HATING that he loved her so much even through the disconnection.
It was always that when her excitement level started getting higher than her COMFORT ZONE, her insecurities got riled up and she shut down.
He never understood this. All he knew was they would go out to dinner they would be having a great time, then all of a sudden whenever they started getting flirty with each other . . . she would start acting like a bitch.
She felt this MASSIVE sexual energy wanting to come forth and wanted to be really SLUTTY and really FREAKY with her husband.
THEN FEAR WOULD KICK IN!
What if he isn’t attracted to me anymore?
What if he thinks someone else is sexier and doesn’t want me?
He’s gonna be disgusted because I am fat. (she wasn’t fat)
Maybe I don’t feel good to him, that’s why he sleeps on the couch.
He probably likes younger boobs and doesn’t like mine anymore.
He is probably grossed out by me.
ALL THESE THOUGHTS CAME OUT OF HER FEAR THAT HER BODY *ESPECIALLY HER PUSSY* WASN’T ATTRACTIVE.
He thought she was gorgeous, and she was!
She was terrified.
He told me later that he thought I was out of my mind for getting her to apologize to him for HIS affairs, but then realized that as long as she was blaming herself out of her own insecurities, they would never be able to have a straight, open, truthful discussion.
And then seriously busted his balls WITHOUT BLAMING from a place of POWER for lying and not being strong enough to walk through her insecurities to get to her heart.
I saw this couple, who came in as emotional teenagers, transform over 6 or 7 weeks into AMAZING, WHOLE-HEARTED, SOUL-CONNECTED, FIREY LOVERS.
It was beautiful to see.
If you want the TOOLS to be able to recover from infidelity or divorce, then send me a private message and let’s get started.
Be REAL. Be RAW. Make Your Life AWESOME!