I’M BEING FORCED TO LOOK AT WOMEN IN BIKINIS
My sweetie is taking an online test and writing a paper in her Master’s program. So, I am taking four kids to the neighborhood pool to get the noisy kids out of the house.
“I feel like I’m dumping the kids on you.” She said.
“I hear you. You feel like you are dumping the kids off on me.” I took a breath to figure out how to say what I wanted to say. “Sweetie, part of being a warrior is providing covering fire for someone to make their move. I really am honored to support you while you go through this program. If I have to sacrifice the comfort of air conditioning to go do my work in the sun, BEING FORCED TO LOOK AT HOT YOUNG MOMS IN BIKINIS, then that’s just part of the sacrifice I have to make.”
She smiled at me, “That’s right! I love you! Thank you!”
Being EMOTIONALLY FREE means that she doesn’t need me to know her own worth – she doesn’t need me to be a certain way to feel OK about herself. She knows how beautiful she is, she knows how attractive she is to me, and she knows that me loving a beautiful woman in bikini MEANS EXACTLY NOTHING ABOUT HER!
When I was younger, I was so scared to share funny thoughts like that when they popped in my head.
I WASN’T FREE!
I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I COULD BE ME – THE REAL ME – THE FUNNY-AND-SEXY-SENSE-OF-HUMOR ME! That’s the REAL me!
I had so much shame around my desire, so I attracted women who reacted adversely whenever I shared my desire. Their reaction just reinforced my own shame! As I look back now, I see they were more accepting than I thought at the time, but I was full of shame and took everything as further evidence that I was bad.
Truth is, like most men and most women, I love to see beautiful people!
(Old voice inside, my inner monologue, as I feel a chill of panic in my spine) DON’T PUT THAT ON FACEBOOK – SOMEONE WILL BE OFFENDED!
There it is. Someone may be offended. Now here is where it gets good, these thoughts get kicked off inside:
- If someone is offended, I must be wrong to feel the way I do.
- It MUST NOT BE OK for me to love to see a beautiful woman in a bikini.
- My desire, MUST BE BAD.
- (Now there’s another piece) “Dude, you’re OLD now, you are just gonna feel creepy!”
- I imagine one of them thinking, “GROSS! The fat dude typing on his computer was looking at me!”
Those thoughts are so familiar, I don’t even pay attention to the content anymore.
The cool thing is I almost INSTANTLY recognize them coming from that CONSTRICTED, FEAR-BASED, JUDGMENTAL, NON-SELF-ACCEPTING place.
LEARNING TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT PLACE AND THE EXPANSIVE PLACE WHERE I ACCEPT ME, LOVE ME IS THE KEY TO GROWING INTO THE MOST AMAZING LIFE.
Now, I can have a funny thought about “being FORCED to look at women in bikinis” and have a laugh, make my sweetie laugh, and not hide myself in my inner shell of shame.
I can hear her talk about wanting to see a movie that had, “the most gorgeous men” in it and be excited for her pleasure in seeing them.
Not hiding in shame allows my true self to come out. My true self loves seeing good looking guys with great bodies. I feel inspired when I see them – I feel inspired to stick to my nutritional plan, and keep hitting the gym so I like looking in the mirror.
I know that any jealousy I feel has NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!
What is that? The real me adores my wife, whether she is “done up” or not. I got a picture of her yesterday with no make-up, she hadn’t brushed her hair, and she was just wearing a big, baggy t-shirt. Besides the fact that she is a beautiful woman, she looked so good, because I could feel her heart.
I got to feel her heart because MY HEART WAS OPEN!
I wasn’t hiding me.
She adores me! Her appreciating good looking dudes, doesn’t mean that I am any “less.”
So how do we do this? How does she hear me talking about loving seeing good looking women in bikinis and not get upset? How do I embrace my love of seeing beautiful people, especially beautiful women and not feel shame – even though some of you won’t feel “safe?” when you read this? How do I hear the excitement in her voice when she talks about this movie and smile big?
WE DEAL WITH OUR SHIT!
We recognize the difference between when we are operating from a contracted place of fear and when we are in an expansive place of acceptance.
- We do our best communicate in a way where, when we are upset, we state things in such a way that the other doesn’t feel attacked. (We fail constantly and keep working on it.)
- We don’t rely on the other for our sense of self-worth.
- We own that our insecurities are our own.
- We recognize that the other isn’t responsible for our sense of security in the relationship.
If you aren’t feeling AWESOME being you is is only because you haven’t been taught how!
#gettraining #makeyourlifeawesome #awesomerelationships