I WON’T EVER GROW UP TO BE ANYTHING! MY LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK!
That was me when I was little. I only saw a very dismal future. I only looked down on myself so harshly.
- I never thought I would have awesome friends. All my friends were mean to me.
- I never thought I would gain the respect of people who are true masters in their field.
- I never thought I’d have any attention from super cool, intelligent, confident, big-hearted women that I respected – “they would never go for someone like me.”
- Once I got into high school, my sexual energy felt so toxic, I knew without a doubt that I was horrible and no one would ever enjoy making love with me.
Everything changed. Everything continues to change.
Over and over again, it’s the same process for me: Fail, fear, crumble, dig deep inside, heal, expand and grow bigger than my challenges, work hard, then succeed! (That’s the way I do it, yours is most probably different.)
What’s the biggest lesson that makes the difference? (It is the hardest one to teach my students and clients.)
It’s the ability to tell the difference between thoughts/feelings that comes from a place of fear/hurt/contraction. Feelings that come from hurt and fear feel different than the feelings that come from an awareness of who we truly are.
We are taught so much stuff in our culture and in our interactions with family and community about who and how we are supposed to be.
SO MUCH OF WHAT WE ARE TAUGHT ABOUT OURSELVES IS 100% BULLSHIT.
Our culture teaches us to HIDE and REJECT our true selves.
Just a couple of weeks ago, wifey and I were laying by the pool with a female friend. The friend has absolutely beautiful boobs!
She said, “I hate my boobs!” (oh, now I have your attention – I’m talking about boobs.)
I said, “They are beautiful! What the hell are you talking about?!”
She responded, “I only like fake boobs.”
My brilliant wife caught this one, “Do you realize you are saying that you can’t appreciate anything genuine?”
WHEN YOU LOVE WHO YOU TRULY ARE / ACCEPT WHO YOU TRULY ARE THE WORLD AROUND YOU SEEMS TO CHANGE
When we accept ourselves, there is a different energy about us. We begin to emanate something juicy – WE START TO BECOME OUR NATURALLY, JUICY SELVES!
When we begin to accept ourselves for exactly what we are without feeling like we have to be any way or anything that we are not, we start feeling a type of MOMENTUM in our life.
Don’t believe in your own limitations. Don’t believe your own beliefs!
LEARN TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT JUDGMENTAL VOICE INSIDE AND THE PEACEFUL, EXPANSIVE, EXCITING VOICE.
Now don’t think that the expansive voice won’t scare you – in order to grow into your genuine self, you will have to confront so much mental conditioning that runs very deep. It will be a struggle. It has been for me.
The hardest and greatest things I have ever done have been to confront the lies I tell myself – and I am a stubborn mother-fucker, it isn’t easy!
Give yourself the greatest gift! DON’T BUY INTO YOUR OWN BULLSHIT!
YOU’RE INTUITIVE – DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT!
Yeah, I get it. You’re a “sensitive” intuitive, I know, I am one, too!
If you are constantly picking up on a lot of the feelings and energy of the people around you, sometimes you can’t even tell what are your feelings and what feelings belong to others.
You feel it! You feel the anger of the man sitting at the table next to you in a restaurant, you feel the hopelessness of the woman sitting across from him, you feel the darkness in the heart of the person who walked past you in the store, people wonder how you can know so much about them, you feel your partner’s “grumpiness” and you feel yourself slowly shutting down over time whenever you are around them
THE WORLD SEEMS LIKE A MINEFIELD OF EMOTIONS SOMETIMES.
“Something is wrong. I can feel it,” you say to yourself.
People have told you your whole life that you are crazy, but even then, you could feel the angst that they were going through when they were telling you that you were crazy, so something “didn’t feel right.”
You’ve learned to trust your “gut.” You know something is wrong, you THINK you know what it is, and you start to feel a little edgy.
You are pretty certain that you are not crazy, and you have to find out what is really going on! If it is not clear, transparent ( Lawdy, transparency is so important ), and in alignment, then it feels muddy, murky, and you feel it in your soul.
So here’s the deal:
IF YOU RE NOT TOTALLY AT PEACE WITH EVERYTHING YOU SENSE GOING ON AROUND YOU, YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT!
Let me tell you something else about you, when your buttons get pushed, your emotions kick into hyper-drive – you get sensitive (more than normal), you need to be reassured, you feel like crying or shutting down or screaming, maybe you start to feel small – maybe you start you feel angry, you CRAVE reassurance, and everything starts to hurt inside.
Now it’s time.
It’s time to TAMFB!
TAKE A MOTHER FUCKING BREATH!
When things around you are out of alignment, when they are not clear, your only job is to GET BACK INTO ALIGNMENT YOURSELF! Everything else can wait. Everything else MUST wait.
If you aren’t in a clear place yourself, then you are INCAPABLE of responding effectively to whatever you sense going on around you – you will come off as abrasive, accusatory, needy, or like you are causing some kind of drama – AND YOU WILL MAKE YOURSELF CRAZY!
You know something is wrong! Make peace with the problem first!
Don’t talk about the other’s actions or feelings – SPEAK FROM A PLACE OF COMPASSION.
Don’t worry about what possibilities lay ahead for the future – GET INTO A PLACE OF ACCEPTANCE IN THE PRESENT.
Don’t expect another to ease your fear and anxiety – GET TO A GOOD FEELING, EXPANSIVE, EMPOWERED PLACE BEFORE YOU EVEN TALK TO THEM!
Don’t assume you know what’s actually happening – HONOR THAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE FEELINGS, NOT FACTS, AND SPEAK THEM ACCORDINGLY.
Don’t speak as if anyone has created these feelings in you – ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FEELINGS.
Don’t blame people for being fucked up – LEARN TO SET AND CONSISTENTLY ENFORE BOUNDARIES WITH PEOPLE.
Don’t act like your space is being invaded by other’s energy – YOU’RE THE FUCKING INTUITIVE! IF YOU ARE GONG TO PICK UP ON WHAT IS GOING ON WITH OTHERS, MAKE ROOM FOR IT!
Don’t feel like these feelings are a burden – YOU AGREED TO BE THIS FUCKING INTUITIVE BEFORE YOU CAME INTO THIS LIFETIME.
Part of that agreement was to be a beacon of light, to be a source of healing, to emanate love in the world, and most of all to keep your Heart open so you can be the wonderful, amazing, loving, BIG-HEARTED person you were born to be.
BRIGHT LIGHTS CAST DARK SHADOWS!
Love is the brightest light in the Universe and not only will any un-healed hurts you have get stirred up in relationships, but YOU will be the bright light that shines bright enough to stir up other people’s shit.
Since you already agreed to be a bright fucking light in the world, (even though you don’t often feel like it), it’s time to do the next piece of work and grow even bigger, stronger, more compassionate, more accepting, and be more of an agent of healing in the world than you ever thought possible!
Blessings be to you in the world – today and all days.
MY BIGGEST TRIGGER
How can I open my heart to her, and share my fuck-ups and insecurities, when I know she will use anything I say as an excuse for why she’s upset?
She’s upset – It’s not about me. She has a story going on in her head and she’s trying to beat the shit out of me with it.
My growth edge: How do I NOT be defensive when I am being attacked and wrongfully accused? And why do I get so fucking triggered?
Story of Creating Drama, circa 1997:
Admittedly, I am far from perfect, and as I am sitting on the sofa, my sweetie had just come over for the weekend.
She had walked in with a strange look on her face, barely hugged me, and quickly ran to the bathroom after a long drive to see me.
I thought she must have had to pee really badly, so I just went to sit on the couch to wait for her.
Normally, she was REALLY snuggly and pretty affectionate, but not this afternoon. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but she didn’t seem to feel good and didn’t feel good being with me, she didn’t seem to want me to touch her.
I asked what was wrong, she said, “nothing.”
She had an edge to her voice. “What have you been doing?” “Where were you?” “Were you around anyone?”
I told her I had played about 3hrs of tennis, lifted weights, and then gone to my favorite restaurant for a salad.
“Did you eat with anyone?” She asked with that edge in her voice.
“NO! I sat at the bar.” (I thought to myself) What the hell is going on? Where is all this coming from?
“Sweetie, where is all this coming from?” I asked.
“Well, someone just took a shower in your bathroom, and you still smell like you worked out. Tell me what’s going on.”
“Yeah, sorry if I reek.” I was feeling insecure because I hadn’t showered.
“No, that’s fine. I could just see that your shower was wet and you didn’t shower. So tell me what’s going on. Just tell me the truth. What’s going on?” (Still with that tone in her voice.)
I thought, Wow! How cool. My insecurity about having my “man funk” going on wasn’t a problem – maybe I can let that insecurity go.
Again she said, “Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?”
“What do you think was going on?” I could see now that this had nothing to do with me, I just wanted to draw it out of her.
She got more agitated, “Just tell me the truth. If we don’t have the kind of relationship where you can be honest with me, then I don’t know what kind of woman you think I am.”
Ouch, that stung. Did she really think that I thought so little of her? And what the fuck was she really so upset about?
Then she went ON and ON and ON! “I mean, a man should be MAN enough to tell the woman that he SAYS he loves the truth.” “You know, if two people really love each other, they should be able to talk about things, whatever it is.” “Maybe some women are OK with you not telling the truth, but I have higher standards. I have to have the truth.”
This went on for 45 minutes . . .
“Why didn’t you take me to your bed when I got here?” “We haven’t had sex in over a week and you didn’t want to take me to your bed.” “Why are we sitting on the couch? What’s going on?” “Why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?” “If I’m not attractive to you, just tell me the truth.”
She was upset when she walked in the door! Why the fuck was she still asking me shit? All I wanted to do all week is fuck the living shit out of her! I wanted to hold her and make love with her and fuck the shit out of her RIGHT UP UNTIL SHE STARTED ALL THIS SHIT! The sex between us was awesome! What the hell is she talking about?!?!
I was already annoyed and pretty defensive – feeling like I had been accused of doing something I hadn’t done – EVEN THOUGH I KNEW THIS WASN’T ABOUT ME.
At this point, I felt like I had to make a decision. Should I tell her the truth about why the shower was wet, and give her the chance to see that her upset had nothing to do with me?
I was afraid that if I told her the simple truth and she realized she didn’t have anything to be worried about, then she would blow off her responsibility for coming in and creating a shit storm.
OR, should I try and get to the bottom of why she was making up a big story in her head and creating all this nervous energy within herself? What was really going on inside of her?
My fear was that if I told her the truth about my shower, it would send a message that her hostility and how she was talking to me, was OK.
I didn’t want her thinking it was OK to come in and act the way she was acting. I don’t want the drama in my life!
Just a couple of hours ago on the phone, she was so affectionate and sounded so in love. What happened?
Should I keep pressing her to share what was behind all her upset? Should I tell her what had happened so she could stop using my shower as the object of her fear.
What would you do?
I told her the truth that she was asking for – even though I was pissed as hell at this point. I was pissed at her for bringing so much drama, even though I didn’t recognize it as drama at the time.
“I stepped in dog shit.” I said.
“About 20 minutes before you got here, I ran out to my car barefoot and stepped in dog shit. Even though I wiped my foot off on the grass, I pretty much had to hop back in. I hopped on one foot all the way back to the shower. I washed my foot, and I know that you would be so grossed out by it that I scrubbed the whole damn bathtub with Comet before you got here. That’s why I didn’t have time to take a shower and why I stink so bad.”
She leaned into me warmly, snuggling her head into my chest. “I like the way you stink.”
I wanted to just snuggle her and I was still so pissed about everything she had said – I DIDN’T WANT HER TO TOUCH ME!
How could I trust a woman who comes in and starts laying into me like that about nothing! I wanted to see if she was going to tell me what the fuck was really going on with her.
I took a breath. Tried to make my voice as calm as possible. “So, do you want to tell me what you’ve been so upset about? It wasn’t about my fucking shower.” Damnit, the anger came out! But fuck her! She’s been busting my balls for almost an hour!
She got all offended, “You don’t have to start being mean. I was scared and just wanted to share how I was feeling. You don’t have to start cussing at me.”
After the way she had been talking to me – insulting me – How the fuck could she start acting like I didn’t have every right to be pissed at what she had done and how she had talked to me?
THE TRUTH FINALLY CAME OUT. IT WASN’T ABOUT ME AT ALL.
While she was at home, she took a shower before coming to visit. As she got out of the shower, took a long look in the mirror – she didn’t like what she saw. She felt fat.
So here’s where the drama comes in.
One thought led to another, AND SHE BELIEVED THAT EVERY ONE OF THE THOUGHTS WERE TRUE:
– She felt fat. This stoked up her fear and insecurity.
– Her fear said that she wasn’t attractive.
– If she wasn’t attractive, that meant that I MUST not be attracted to her.
– If I wasn’t attracted to her, that she must not be that pretty.
– If she wasn’t pretty, then MUST be attracted to someone else. This thought stoked up another fear.
– If I was attracted to someone else, then I was probably having sex with them and had been keeping it a secret.
– If I am keeping secrets, then she has been betrayed and she can’t trust me unless I tell the truth about it.
– If I am keeping a secret, then she has to protect her heart so she doesn’t get hurt anymore.
She felt completely justified in being suspicious because she had found “evidence” that someone had been there because my shower was wet and I didn’t smell like I had showered.
What should have happened here?
Side Note: I have made a career out of helping women who respond to their fear in inappropriate ways, and helped them to get past those to fears to recognize their true light and to begin living their highest purpose in this world. Of course I have, I developed the skills to help women see inside themselves, to take responsibility for the fear-based lies they tell themselves, so they get out of that emotional place of feeling like a “victim.” I have taught them to take responsibility for their feelings and own their power so they can love themselves and help heal others with compassion.
OK, back to the story:
My girlfriend and I spent over an hour embroiled in conflict and I had lost a massive amount of respect and trust for her. I didn’t trust her with my heart anymore.
So she has all kinds of shit going on that she needs to deal with and she won’t have peace in deep, connected relationships until she gets a handle on how she deals with how she handles her fear.
BUT THAT’S HER PROBLEM! I HAVE TO DEAL WITH MINE!
20 years later, this same cycle has continued through countless relationships. How do I keep attracting this same dynamic?
I KNOW THAT I WILL KEEP RE-CREATING THIS PATTERN OVER AND OVER UNTIL I GET TO THE SOURCE, THE HURT, OF IT.
Have you already figured it out?
When I feel wrongfully accused of things I haven’t done, I have a soul-shaking response inside and I clamp my heart down and put up all my walls. Also, if I feel like my partner is having a reaction to something I have done and her reaction is out of proportion with what I have done, as if what I have done is triggering an old, unhealed hurt, I have this same reaction.
But what is it that I am reacting to?
WHAT IS MY UNHEALED HURT THAT IS CAUSING ME TO CLAMP DOWN MY HEART?
Here it is: I was put up for adoption at birth – I felt “thrown away” AND WORTHLESS. Emotionally, I decided that I was going to get thrown away if I wasn’t good enough. AND, I also know that in the womb, I didn’t do anything wrong and I still got “thrown away.”
After meeting my birthmother, I got the impression that I got BLAMED for ruining her family. So I had to not only do things well, I had to be seen by the most important people in my life as good enough. In fact, I am an over-achiever, so I am going to MAKE SURE they have no excuse for throwing me away, so I am going to make sure they think I am perfect – because anything less than perfect will mean I am not good enough to keep.
When I truly fuck-up, I try my best to own up to it, maybe I do a good job, maybe not. And I fail miserably if I sense I am getting blamed for my beloved’s hurt from an old relationship.
So now, if I am being blamed for something I didn’t do, IT MEANS THAT I AM GOING TO BE THROWN AWAY.
That puts me in the position having to control the thinking of the people closest to me to ensure my emotional safety!
What the fuck kind of love is that? I turn into a fucking pitbull! Not many lawyers can argue as well as me!
I have to make them think I am perfect in order to not be abandoned!
That leaves no room for the other’s thoughts, feelings, and NO ROOM FOR THEM TO FEEL A HURT THAT GETS BROUGHT UP BY THE DEEP LOVE WE SHARE.
Now we all are scared that we aren’t good enough and we are all scared of being abandoned – inside every one of us there is a scared little kid who is scared to death. The more personal development work we do, the softer the edges become, and the journey to wholeness, the journey to ALIGNMENT can NEVER be made without looking within ourselves. No matter how fucked up my sweetie’s behavior was, no matter how inappropriate she was – THERE IS STILL A PIECE TO HEAL IN ME, unless I stay completely zen through the whole thing.
DO YOU WANT PAIN OR DRAMA?
The times when the hurt comes up, that’s the ONLY choice you have.
If you choose to feel the pain, it sucks!
IT FUCKING SUCKS! The pain we have buried inside scares the living shit out of us – and feeling it is the only way to heal it.
IF YOU CHOOSE DRAMA, DON’T THINK YOU ARE GETTING OUT OF FEELING THE PAIN!
If you choose drama, it comes with it’s own pain (sort of like unconsciously beating up on ourselves and the people around us in an effort to avoid the original pain/fear) and the original pain is still there to come back later.
Here’s the kicker: WE THINK THE DRAMA IS THE REAL PAIN!
When we create drama, we don’t even know that we are creating dramas – and the drama will closely resemble the original hurt, so it is easy to fool ourselves.
WHEN WE CREATE DRAMA IT IS ALL WE CAN SEE! And the truth of what is going on is still lurking beneath. Eventually, we need to get to the root of it.
Dramas can play out for hours, days, weeks, and even months.
The real, raw pain will usually come in waves and you will get some relief, even though you know you are fully healed yet. (Ever notice how everyone will end up laughing at the reception of a funeral after a good cry – right before the next good cry starts again, of course.
The hurt may not be gone forever, but the waves of raw pain will pass and you will feel lighter for a while, breathing easier.
When we are keeping ourselves stuck in a drama, (beating up on ourselves, beating up on another, feeling like it’s not fair, feeling like we “can’t handle” it, feeling sorry for ourselves) we stay more stuck and for longer.
HOW DO WE STAY STUCK IN DRAMA?
We stay stuck in the drama by the stories we tell ourselves. (Now part of the story is that we are not telling ourselves a story! SO WATCH FOR THAT!)
So, what’s the solution?
TELL A DIFFERENT STORY!
Either tell yourself a story where you feel empowered, where you accept responsibility for your part, and brings you some peace.
Or, take a break from whatever is going on and to something to nurture yourself. Do what makes you feel good. For me, I take a breath, I take a shower, I hit the gym, throw ball with my kids, do some kind of service work . . . anything to get myself out of that funk.
TELL A DIFFERENT STORY! TELL A STORY THAT RAISES YOUR ENERGY!
Tell a story that raises your vibration.
Tell a story where you grow into your biggest, boldest, most awesome spiritual baddass self!
Be Real. Be Raw. Make Your Life Awesome!
YOU WILL NEVER TAKE YOUR POWER BACK! GIVE UP TRYING!
“I have to take my power back!” She said.
I wanted her to stand in her power. I wanted her to create the awesome life she didn’t even know she had a right to dream up!
“You can’t take your power back! It’s impossible!” She glared at me.
“Does this mean I have to be controlled and manipulated by HIM (meaning her husband) or that Bitch who works across from me my whole life?!”
“No, of course not! It means that you have bought into a line of bullshit that taught you to not set boundaries, stand up for yourself, and (probably most importantly) to always FEAR BEING JUDGED!” I said.
“Oh shit! This has something to do with taking responsibility, doesn’t it?”
I went on to explain, in order to take something back, it means that you have to have the power to take it back. And if you gave your power away, that means you don’t have the power to take it back.
While that may seem “nit-picky”, the effects on our lives and our long-term growth are profound, so keep listening.
YOU CAN CREATE THE LIFE OF YOUR DREAMS! YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO THAT!
And this piece about power, “owning” your power is a crucial piece.
If we don’t acknowledge how we allowed things to get bad or said “yes” to them on some level, then we will call it into our lives again in some way.
– Maybe you said YES, when you wanted to say NO.
– Maybe you let something slide and hoped it would get better or resolve itself.
– Maybe you downplayed something disturbing and said to yourself, “They didn’t really mean it.”
– Maybe you blamed yourself, just like THEY blamed you for whatever happened . . .
However it started, when it happens a couple of thousand times it starts to feel like a hole too deep to crawl out of!
It is better to say, “I have used my power and made decisions in ways that DO NOT serve and support me.” Embedded in that way of phrasing it is that YOU HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE POWER and the only issue is how you have used that power.
Usually the first response I hear is, “SO, IT IS MY FAULT!”
Of course not! No one is blaming you! There is no blame to be assessed.
I wasn’t talking about BLAME – I was talking about RESPONSIBILITY.
(If you notice yourself defending against being blamed, or blaming another, then YOU ARE NOT FOCUSING YOUR POWER TO CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT!)
Are you willing to take responsibility when you create something you like? If you are, then you acknowledge that you have the power to continue creating what you want.
Are you willing to take responsibility when you create something you don’t like? If you are, Then you acknowledge that you have the power to course correct and create what you want!
DISCUSSING WHO IS TO BLAME IS A WASTE OF TIME – GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!
Have you used your power to serve and support you?
Have you used that power that you have to create something, a dynamic, a relationship, a life situation . . . that does not support your highest good?
Either way, go create it now!
This notion of “I gave my power away” or “I am taking my power back” is an attempt to be powerful and it is based in a victim mentality, and it is too bad that phrases like this are so prominent in our culture because they, while helping people get out of bad situations, subvert the true issue.
This victimhood stance of “taking my power back” can summon a good bit of energy to get us out of a bad situation, and that’s all good! I applaud anyone who does whatever they need to do to get out of a bad spot!
And I want you to not only get out of your bad situation, if you are in one – I want you to step into YOUR BRILLIANCE, YOUR RADIANCE. I want you to start behaving like the spiritual badass you were born to be!