I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED!
It’s so clear to me.
I should have been aborted, smashed, burned, and destroyed. I have no right to be here. I am too fucked up to accept or to love.
At least that’s how it sounds in my head when I get triggered at the deepest level.
No wonder I am so fucking good working with people who need to be accepted in their pain, huh?!
We grow up believing that our behavior determines our worth – If we do good, then we are good.
WHAT A LOAD OF HORSESHIT!
The truth is just the opposite: You are worthy of love and there’s nothing you have to do in order to deserve that love.
When we do things that are not good, it is just our hurt, fear, unawareness, for ignorance that is being expressed as bad behavior. That bad behavior does not come from the core of Who We Are.
THE CORE OF YOU IS DIVINE – AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
SO , If I am truly DIVINE and I am feeling that I have no right to be here, and I am too messed up to deal with, that I should go away and die – the opposite belief would have to be the truth, right?
What would be the opposite?
I have every right to be here. I am worth being around and that I should stay and live an incredible life – I am welcome here and lovable. I don’t have to do anything or be anything to be loved.
WHEN THESE DEEP, CORE ISSUES GET TRIGGERED, OUR BEHAVIOR IS REACTIVE AND FEARFUL.
During those times, we need to do two big things:
1. Look inside and get clear about what is getting triggered – cleaning up whatever circumstance triggered us needs to happen later.
2. Communicate what we is getting triggered inside, and in a specific way.
Example: My sweetie got scared that I don’t love her and don’t care. We all have fears, that’s cool.
All was good until she said, “You don’t care about me.”
My defenses went up, and everything went to shit. She as already triggered, now so was I.
What I should have said was: “I just heard you say that I don’t care about you. I got really triggered when you said that. I understand you getting scared and that’s ok, but what got triggered in me is that IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT I DONT CARE WHILE I REALLY DO CARE, THEN IN MY MIND, YOU CAN MAKE UP ANY STORY ABOUT ME AND I MIGHT GET THROWN AWAY FOR SOMETHING I DIDNT DO.
My trigger comes from the womb. I felt like I got thrown away (must have been bad to get that, right?) But I didn’t really do anything to deserve it.
So when I hear I hear you saying something bad about me or how I feel that’s not true, it triggers this huge thing inside me.
Please say, “I am feeling insecure. I know you love me and I want you to pat me on the head and tell me everything is ok, that I feel good to you and that you love me. I got really scared that you don’t love me.”
Then it’s going to land really well with me.”
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ME ADDRESSING MY TRIGGER BEFORE ADDRESSING E SITUATION ETWEEN US.
Now, ideally she would have done that, too, and we all have tough times, that’s ok, too.
WHAT TRIGGERS YOU?
How do you react when you get triggered?
How would you like to react?
Be REAL. Be RAW. MAKE your life AWESOME.
I KILLED 3 CHIPMUNKS IN 3 MINUTES!
Well, it was more like assisted suicide.
I was driving by myself to a Native American 4-day dance in 2013, the dancers would be fasting (No Food, No Water), praying, and dancing for 4 days.
Only a half mile from home, a chipmunk ran in front of the car and committed suicide under the right front tire.
I said, “Bless you little one. I love you and honor your sacrifice. I’ll remember to look up Chipmunk medicine.”
300 yard later a second chipmunk ran in front of the car. Splat!
“Holy Shit! That’s two! (looking up to Spirit) OK, I get it. I will look up chipmunk medicine . . . and bless you little one.”
A half mile later, number three!
(again, looking up to Spirit) “OK, I will stop now and look up chipmunk medicine. I get it!” I pulled over as soon immediately, said a prayer for little dude #3, and quickly searched for an answer on my phone.
As I got to the Dance, the dancer’s meeting was just starting, there were four first-time dancers.
After the dance chief gave his orientation talk, he asked if there was anything I wanted to share with the dancers.
I told the story of killing 3 chipmunks in 3 minutes and started sharing the teaching . . .
“Chipmunks are associated with the number 12, they have a 12 week gestation period, and we have 12 dancers here.
Chipmunks are MASTERS OF CURIOSITY!
Whenever they encounter something new, they GET CURIOUS!
They go check out the new thing and learn EVERYHTING THERE IS TO LEARN.
Then, ONLY AFTER BEING CURIOUS, they decide whether or not they should be scared.
So everyone, ESPECIALLY YOU 4 NEW DANCERS who have shown up here on a Friday and aren’t quite sure what you have gotten yourself into,
STEP IN – DIVE DEEP – WAIT UNTIL MONDAY TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT YOU NEED TO BE SCARED.”
Those 4 new dancers and half of the rest let out a relieved, nervous laugh.
Why am I sharing this? Our emotions and our internal life are the same way.
STEP THE FUCK IN! STEP CLOSER AND GET CURIOUS WHEN YOU ARE SCARED!
Go inside learn everything about what you are scared of inside. Write it out in a specific way.
Write down: “Right now, I am scared that _____________________ is true/going to happen. I learned to be scared of things like this when __________ happened in my past. When I get scared of that, my crazy mind chimes in and I start thinking __________ and __________ and __________.”
Our fears are bad enough as they are.
Our fears get bigger when we don’t know the full story they have to tell.
Our fears get TOTALLY UNMANAGEABLE when we don’t focus on the core fear and start all that thinking that makes up scary stories about what might happen!
STEP IN – GET CURIOUS WHAT THIS FEAR HAS TO TELL YOU ABOUT YOURSELF!
And while you are doing that, do the scariest thing you can do when you are scared,
STEP IN – ACTUALLY TAKE A STEP TOWARD THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH.
Say to them, “I’m scared. And I am scared to share what I am scared about. Will you listen while I share?”
Share with them what your inner CURIOSITY has uncovered inside.
While you share, thank them for listening, FOCUS ON YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF FEAR – don’t talk about your partner’s feelings, their actions, or whether or not you like what they have done.
Sharing our feelings – instead of reacting to our fears as if they have already happened is a skill. This skill is like having the right TOOL for the job at the right time.
Having the right emotional, spiritual, and communication tools is vital for living an AWESOME LIFE!
GET CURIOUS! STEP THE FUCK IN!
Be REAL. Be RAW. Make Your Life AWESOME!
SAVE YOUR MONEY! DON’T PAY ME FOR COACHING AND THERAPY!
If you want to work with me, and you resonate with what I teach, you can get a lot of the fundamentals of what I teach cheaper than me teaching them to you 1 on 1.
YOU HAVE THREE OPTIONS!
1. You can buy my book, “Pillars of Awesome Relationships.”
2. You can get get the video webinar! 7 hrs of trainings!
3. You can join my online community with bi-weekly calls where we discuss all things relationship, growth, life path, sex, and spirituality!
To get your AUTOGRAPHED COPY of the book where you will receive a person reading inscribed on the inside front cover of the book, go to:
To get the PILLAR OF AWESOME RELATIONSHIPS VIDEO TRAINING – go to:
To be put on the wait list for my online community, send me a Personal Message.
Don’t wait to make your life better!
Take action now to show your fears that you are going to walk right through them!
Be REAL. Be RAW. Make Your Life AWESOME!
WOMEN ARE SECOND CLASS CITIZENS!
Do you know why this trend of treating women like this got started? Do you know when?
IT WASN’T ALWAYS THIS WAY!
If you want to learn about this disgusting abomination of human nature, we are going to have to talk about sex!
I HAVE A STORY TO TELL – IT IS AN INSPIRATIONAL STORY
It’s a story of how the human race lost it’s heart millenia ago.
ITS A STORY THAT HOLDS THE KEYS TO ENLIGHTENMENT AND PEACE – INNER PEACE AND PEACE AMONG THE PEOPLE OF THIS PLANET.
Would you like to hear the history of sex among humans over the last 6,000 years?
Would you like to hear how women started being treated as second class citizens?
ANYONE INTERESTED IN HEARING THIS STORY?
60% OF WOMEN ARE MISSING OUT!
Years ago, while I was writing Pillars of Awesome Relationships, I did a survey of women. I asked only one question.
WHAT IS THE SPIRITUAL ESSENCE OF SEX FOR WOMEN?
Out of all the women I surveyed, there were only two answers! ONLY TWO!
60% of women said “SAFETY”
40% said something else
Is safety important in sex, especially to women?
Is it the end all, be all of sex?
Hell No! If safety is all a woman wanted to feel, she’d be better off NOT HAVING SEX AT ALL in this day and age!
Have you met the men that are out there – quality men are few and far between. Not saying there aren’t some good guys out there, but how many GREAT MEN do you know?
How many men do you know that have their heart FULLY OPEN?
How many do you know that are:
-in touch with their feminine side
-able to fully express and stand in their masculinity
-own their sexual desire
-willing to deal with their own shit
-responsible with their sexual energy
-know their true spiritual path
-walking their spiritual path
-knowing their life’s purpose
-able to share their toughness AND tenderness with ease?
Without men who offer all of that . . . SHIT YEA women need to focus on their safety – especially in such an UBER VULNERABLE place as having a man literally and emotionally and energetically PENETRATE THEM!
AND the safety aspect, while super necessary, is child’s play compared to what else is possible!
ANY guesses what the other 40% percent of women said?
WHAT IS THE SPIRITUAL ESSENCE OF SEX FOR WOMEN?
Be REAL. Be RAW. Make Your Life AWESOME!
“I thought she had DENTI-RECTU-MYOSIS! I wanted to bite her on the ass!” I said.
The morning after a high school reunion, I told that joke at breakfast with 4 people from HS. These four people had been gossiping, criticizing, judging, and even diagnosing what mental disorder a woman had after seeing this woman dancing in a really sexy way the night before at the reunion.
I thought it was funny as shit! It was a good joke, yes?! (It was one I adapted from a joke my dad had told me 30 years ago. I’ll share the original joke at the end of this post.)
When I told that joke, and said I wanted to bite her on the ass, I saw four people look shocked, offended- almost disgusted, and one of them (a 45 year old woman) even covered her ears and said, “Oh, I’m going to get corrupted.”
I thought, “That’s exactly where I got it. That’s how I learned to have so much shame.”
SEX IS BAD! DESIRE IS BAD! IF YOU HAVE DESIRE, YOU ARE BAD!!!
I am soooo fucking glad I escaped that way of thinking!
I grew up with some nasty, toxic shame around my sexuality and sexual energy,
AND I HAD ENORMOUS DESIRE!
I must be bad, right?!
So I learned to hide. In order to be somewhat accepted, I had to hide my desire and my sexual energy. I had to hide one of the most important parts of me!
There is so much hurt in this world, especially around sex, and with the interplay between sex and relationships.
SEX IS THE EASIEST WAY TO TOUCH THE DIVINE.
Why the fuck would it be considered a sin? Why would it be referred to as wicked?
Notice your language around sex, notice how other’s talk about it, notice your feelings when you think about having sex, notice your feelings when you think about others having sex, and notice your feelings when you think about your partner having sex with someone else.
Any hurt come up? Any judgement come up?
If you found out your partner had sex with someone else, would you hope they got EVERYTHING they needed and felt empowered, and felt like they had been held in the heart of the Divine?
I really want to caution people to be aware of anything even remotely associating sexual energy, attraction, and desire with wickedness.
Even when we make a joke calling someone evil because they ignite our desire, we need to be aware of the spiritual blessing in that desire!
I got the message that any desire is bad! Therefore, I MUST BE BAD!
It has taken a lot of work to embrace my own desire! I HAVE TO ACCEPT ME! WTF?!?!
Wait, You mean that I never would have felt judged or bad or shame IF I HAD JUST ACCEPTED ME?!?!?!
I wish I had been taught growing up how to feel my desire and keep it balanced with EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY! How awesome would that would have been!
I work with so many people that judge themselves so severely for their desire, and for acting on their desire.
WERE YOU GIVEN THE TOOLS OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE AND EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY GROWING UP?
OK, back to wickedness (and judgement). The only way wickedness comes in is when we feel desire and have our hearts shut-down, but really not even then!
The effect this type of fear-based judgment has is to introduce a bit of hesitation and doubt into all the love we feel for others and from others – it makes the love CONDITIONAL, isn’t the goal UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?!?!
SEX IS INTENDED TO BRING US CLOSER TO DIVINITY!
My grandmother, a Medicine Woman, said, “We are never closer to God than when we are having sex.”
That’s so true – EVEN IF WE IGNORE THE SPIRITUAL OPENING THAT IS AVAILABLE TO US!
Even when we have our heart disconnected from sex, it is not wickedness or the devil – it is just that when we keep our heart shut down, we are not able to feel the full blessing of the divine – only the pull towards the divine.
When humans have sex without heart, and you mix in fear of abandonment, self-worth issues, poor boundaries, a lot of hurt can happen.
Well, a lot of hurt can happen when those issue get involved even when the heart is pretty open and present! It is just magnified when we have sex and we have all those hurts boiling inside!
When we don’t have the TOOLS to deal with the hurts inside, we blame sex, our partners, ourselves for the hurt.
When we don’t have the TOOLS to deal with the hurts inside, WE JUDGE! We make sex BAD – We make others BAD – We make OURSELVES BAD!
This thing about judging ourselves is a cultural pandemic!
Judging ourselves is a warped way of looking at GOD!
If God is LOVE, and God made such powerful drives that open us up emotionally and spiritually, then how the fuck could we be bad for feeling something that gets us closer to GOD?
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN ORDER TO EMBRACE EVERY DESIRE YOU HAVE, TO FEEL IT, AND TO ENGAGE AND PURSUE ALL THOSE DESIRE THAT WOULD LEAD TO THE HIGHEST GOOD?
And how would you have to think in order to feel a desire that, if you pursued it, would not lead to the highest good?
Answer below in the comments.
Be REAL. Be RAW. Make Your Life AWESOME!
P.S. OK, the original joke was that someone had OPTI-RECTU-MYOSIS, it’s where the neurons governing the visual perception get fused with neurons controlling the rectum – YOU END UP WITH A REALLY SHITTY OUTLOOK ON LIFE!
P.P.S. Don’t have Opti-Rectu-Myosis, get the TOOLS you need in your Emotional, Spiritual, and Communication toolbox to make your life AWESOME!
P.P.P.S. To all those women with DENTI-RECTU-MYOSIS, KEEP DANCING! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU LET YOUR BODY MOVE!
YOU’RE AN AWESOME BROTHER AND IT’S NOT OK TO PUT YOUR SISTER IN THE OVEN!
There is a difference between our actions and our worth. We all need to feel worthy and our culture says that it’s only our actions that make us worthy; that acceptable behavior creates ACCEPTABLENESS AND LOVABLENESS.
Children learn what behaviors are “good” and “bad” by what parents like and don’t like.
SIMULTANEOUSLY, the developing brain of a child is forming an answer to the question “Am I OK?” “Am I AWESOME?”
How incredibly fucking awesome did you learn that you are?
Our task as parents is to teach kids what behaviors are good and what behaviors are bad while simultaneously, constantly AFFIRMING THEIR WORTH!
DID YOU HEAR THAT?! IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB! TEACH YOUR KIDS HOW FUCKING AWESOME THEY ARE!
“You are so wonderful and whining is not how you get what you want.”
“Great Job making eye contact with me, I love you and you are a TERRIBLE LIAR!”
“You are such a sweetheart and I’d prefer it if you didn’t burp at the table.”
See how that works – address the worth, address the behavior. Address them both SEPARATELY and AT THE SAME TIME.
“You are awesome and it’s not OK to insult your brother.”
“You are wonderful kids and it’s not OK to play with daddy’s keys.”
Are you getting the format? Address the Worth then Address the Behavior!
WORDS ARE IMPORTANT AND VERY NECESSARY – BUT WORDS ARE NOT ENOUGH!
We have to affirm children’s worth not only in the words we choose, but in our whole demeanor. To teach kids that they are acceptable, we have to accept them, even when they draw on the kitchen table with magic markers!
In order to accept kids we have to accept ourselves. We cannot teach kids that they are wonderful if we do not know our own wonderfulness.
If you can’t accept that there is a part of you that makes messes, then you won’t be able to accept your kids when they make messes, too.
As parents we all get tired and frustrated; we all worry for the safety of our kids and we all get triggered by their behavior at times. It’s OK, we don’t have to be perfect parents. If you do a really good job 80% of the time, your kids turn out great.
When my kids were 7 and 5 years old, my 7year old son shoved my 5 year old daughter from behind after she had wrestled a piece of bubble wrap away from him. When he pushed her, she fell down almost hitting her head on the corner of a wall. I instantly got mad. I saw that she was not hurt at all and I still got mad.
When he saw the look on my face he started profusely apologizing to his sister (he really is a sweet kid).
I picked him up and put him on the couch and angrily asked, “How many times have I told you not to push your sister?”
He started tearing up and said, “I don’t know” while trying to wipe his tears away before they could fall. I realized that I had NOT responded lovingly or kindly and I took a breath.
I calmed my voice and said, “You are a great brother and a great kid, and it is not ok to push your sister like that.” I apologized to him for getting mad and said, “When daddy gets mad it feels like you are a really bad kid, doesn’t it?”
He exploded in tears! “Yes. I am sorry daddy.”
I felt like such a jerk.
I hated that I had gotten so mad, and I hated that he was hurting because he felt like he had disappointed me.
I hugged him, held him while he cried, apologized again, told him how awesome he really is, told him how much I love him, and told him that he is still awesome even when daddy gets mad.
I wish I had said, “Dude, I love that you guys play SO well together and it is not OK to shove your sister. You’re an awesome kid and you still have to go to your room for pushing your sister.”
DO YOUR KIDS KNOW HOW AWESOME THEY ARE? DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME YOU ARE?
We all can present a laundry list of things that we wish we had not done. Often we believe those things are evidence that we are not wonderful, worthwhile, and incredibly fucking awesome people.
We assume that because we have done “bad” things that we wish we hadn’t done or didn’t do things that we feel like we should have done, our worth is diminished. This is simply not true.
Our worth is not dependent on our behavior.
One thing that is true is that whether we believe we are worthy or we believe that we are not worthy, we will create that impression in the circumstances of our lives.
If you aren’t totally in love with yourself, ya need to make a time to talk with me. You need to know the truth about who you are and what you are worth!
YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT FEELS AWESOME AND WHAT FEELS BAD.
When you are not feeling good about you. You need to know how to identify the story you are telling yourself.
You need to learn to tell a different story that feels good!
You need to create some good feeling momentum instead of feeling bad about you!
If you struggle with this, send me a Private message.
Be REAL. Be RAW. Make Your Life AWESOME!
I’M BEING FORCED TO LOOK AT WOMEN IN BIKINIS
My sweetie is taking an online test and writing a paper in her Master’s program. So, I am taking four kids to the neighborhood pool to get the noisy kids out of the house.
“I feel like I’m dumping the kids on you.” She said.
“I hear you. You feel like you are dumping the kids off on me.” I took a breath to figure out how to say what I wanted to say. “Sweetie, part of being a warrior is providing covering fire for someone to make their move. I really am honored to support you while you go through this program. If I have to sacrifice the comfort of air conditioning to go do my work in the sun, BEING FORCED TO LOOK AT HOT YOUNG MOMS IN BIKINIS, then that’s just part of the sacrifice I have to make.”
She smiled at me, “That’s right! I love you! Thank you!”
Being EMOTIONALLY FREE means that she doesn’t need me to know her own worth – she doesn’t need me to be a certain way to feel OK about herself. She knows how beautiful she is, she knows how attractive she is to me, and she knows that me loving a beautiful woman in bikini MEANS EXACTLY NOTHING ABOUT HER!
When I was younger, I was so scared to share funny thoughts like that when they popped in my head.
I WASN’T FREE!
I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I COULD BE ME – THE REAL ME – THE FUNNY-AND-SEXY-SENSE-OF-HUMOR ME! That’s the REAL me!
I had so much shame around my desire, so I attracted women who reacted adversely whenever I shared my desire. Their reaction just reinforced my own shame! As I look back now, I see they were more accepting than I thought at the time, but I was full of shame and took everything as further evidence that I was bad.
Truth is, like most men and most women, I love to see beautiful people!
(Old voice inside, my inner monologue, as I feel a chill of panic in my spine) DON’T PUT THAT ON FACEBOOK – SOMEONE WILL BE OFFENDED!
There it is. Someone may be offended. Now here is where it gets good, these thoughts get kicked off inside:
- If someone is offended, I must be wrong to feel the way I do.
- It MUST NOT BE OK for me to love to see a beautiful woman in a bikini.
- My desire, MUST BE BAD.
- (Now there’s another piece) “Dude, you’re OLD now, you are just gonna feel creepy!”
- I imagine one of them thinking, “GROSS! The fat dude typing on his computer was looking at me!”
Those thoughts are so familiar, I don’t even pay attention to the content anymore.
The cool thing is I almost INSTANTLY recognize them coming from that CONSTRICTED, FEAR-BASED, JUDGMENTAL, NON-SELF-ACCEPTING place.
LEARNING TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT PLACE AND THE EXPANSIVE PLACE WHERE I ACCEPT ME, LOVE ME IS THE KEY TO GROWING INTO THE MOST AMAZING LIFE.
Now, I can have a funny thought about “being FORCED to look at women in bikinis” and have a laugh, make my sweetie laugh, and not hide myself in my inner shell of shame.
I can hear her talk about wanting to see a movie that had, “the most gorgeous men” in it and be excited for her pleasure in seeing them.
Not hiding in shame allows my true self to come out. My true self loves seeing good looking guys with great bodies. I feel inspired when I see them – I feel inspired to stick to my nutritional plan, and keep hitting the gym so I like looking in the mirror.
I know that any jealousy I feel has NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!
What is that? The real me adores my wife, whether she is “done up” or not. I got a picture of her yesterday with no make-up, she hadn’t brushed her hair, and she was just wearing a big, baggy t-shirt. Besides the fact that she is a beautiful woman, she looked so good, because I could feel her heart.
I got to feel her heart because MY HEART WAS OPEN!
I wasn’t hiding me.
She adores me! Her appreciating good looking dudes, doesn’t mean that I am any “less.”
So how do we do this? How does she hear me talking about loving seeing good looking women in bikinis and not get upset? How do I embrace my love of seeing beautiful people, especially beautiful women and not feel shame – even though some of you won’t feel “safe?” when you read this? How do I hear the excitement in her voice when she talks about this movie and smile big?
WE DEAL WITH OUR SHIT!
We recognize the difference between when we are operating from a contracted place of fear and when we are in an expansive place of acceptance.
- We do our best communicate in a way where, when we are upset, we state things in such a way that the other doesn’t feel attacked. (We fail constantly and keep working on it.)
- We don’t rely on the other for our sense of self-worth.
- We own that our insecurities are our own.
- We recognize that the other isn’t responsible for our sense of security in the relationship.
If you aren’t feeling AWESOME being you is is only because you haven’t been taught how!
#gettraining #makeyourlifeawesome #awesomerelationships